You’re Probably a Californian If…

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I began accumulating these little words of observational wisdom, some of which are dated,  back in 1992 after having some of the most horrendous experiences in the police state of California for fourteen years.  I escaped for good in 2008 and have been happily living in beautiful El Salvador which has its own kind of craziness.

You’re probably a Californian if…
…you cannot effectively perceive beyond your next sexual

…not being in a sexual relationship, you cannot perceive beyond tonight…Friday night at best.

…you get lost…and THEN look at your roadmap to find out where you are.

…you have to ask how many days there are in a given month.

  …you give unsolicited opinions or unrequested “help.”

…you mess up a “self-assembly” item and THEN read the directions.

…you find anything supportable in Proposition 187 or the candidacy of Mike Huffington for U.S. Senator.

…you think that midnight basketball for wayward jocks is an alternative activity to attending the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

…you are confident that the political utterances of Charlton Heston have the sagacity of Moses’.

…you don’t wince saying the words, “Congressman Sonny Bono.”

…your decisions derive primarily from what you believe rather than from what you know.

…you’re in your 30’s and you still follow high school sports.

…you spend the night on Colorado Boulevard to get a good view or the Rose Parade when the best and warmest view is on TV.

…you put college football on the front page of your “big city” newspaper.

…you think the Rose Parade is comparable to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on 5th Avenue.

…you don’t see the sad humor in all of the above.

you think driving is a privilege rather than a right. If you can walk, you walk. If you can ride a bicycle, you ride. If you can drive a car, you drive. The driver’s license was created by government for the sole purpose of income.

you think that laws prevent crime or make you safer. How many millenniums have heads of families, clan leaders, chiefs, autocrats, and elected leaders been legislating? You and the world are no more safe now than when we lived in trees and caves….you’re concerned that a writer’s strike will deprive you of quality entertainment. We haven’t had much in the last 25 years.

…you have a high school diploma and are functionally illiterate.

…you have an Associate in Arts degree (A.A.) From a community college, are still functionally illiterate but have rudimentary entry level skills such as filing to the first letter or making change for up to $5.00.

…you have a bachelor’s degree and have the skills required to train the A.A. holder for his job.

…you at one time have belonged to a cult or sect, or have been taken in by some self-help leader.

…you feel you’re a better person for having regularly watched TV talk shows.

…you relate to the “victims” on the reality and trash-news shows.

…you know Werner Erhardt and the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi but you can’t tell the name of the Pope or any President after Reagan.

…you leave unscreened doors and windows open and have no problem living with flies, mosquitos, gnats, moths and other undesirables.

…you accept toxic pollutants as the natural tradeoff for your affluent lifestyle.

…you still believe there is some dietetic, herbal or even spiritual formula for earthly immortality.

…you can’t enter a quiet room without some tantara.

…you can’t meet others for business or pleasure without the presence of food as a conversational medium.

…you think that movies are an art form.

…you classify comic books as literature.

…you value the views of Charlton Heston and Ed Asner more than those of your Avon lady.

…you consider Venice Beach a center of culture…a Greenwich Village West.

…you believe there is a correlation between the numbers of police and prison spaces, and the incidence of “crime.”

…you are positive that Gene Autry will live to see the Angels in a World Series…(ride Champion, have a hit record, co-star with Clint Eastwood, and win an Oscar).

…your believe that Schwarzenegger, Segal and Van Damme characters could ever exist…and that they live in their portrayers.

…you will vote for Kathleen Brown for governor in the belief that she holds the key to Camelot.

…you start putting sweaters and coats on your kids in September.

…you think natives of the other 47 contiguous states play beach volley ball.

…you don’t know the definition of “contiguous.”

…you believe your life would be one whit better if all the illegal aliens went back to where they came from.

…spending money on space exploration means more to you than spending it directly on earthly problems.

…you laugh when someone is seriously insulting you.


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