Adriana, My Joy

Adriana will be ten in May. It is paradoxical how she can be a little girl one minute and as womanly as her mother the next. She can take out her dolls, her doll carriage, a box with cloth, paper flowers, and fake jewelry and enter a private world to which only a child can migrate.

This morning I approached her as she sat on the cement path abutting the garden between the house and the backyard bathroom. Flowering bushes towered above her as she found a space between stems and thin trunks to hang a hammock. She had one naked doll leaning on a bush as she removed articles from the white box containing her treasures. She looked up with the sweet smile of a child and I smiled back. I said, “I love you” and wondered if she could understand why I said it just then.

The mind, whatever it is, is a wonderful construct. It can process and print out so many images in nanoseconds. I saw little Roger sitting on the path under the weeping willow tree making roads in the dirt with his cars creating his own world apart from the real world. I could smell the sweet aroma of mommy’s peonies, feel the cool breeze and hear the rustle of the lithe willow branches. The little girl’s eyes locked on mine as if she wanted me to walk through the barrier that separated our worlds. But then the image changed. She was in the kitchen watching the tortillas warming on the stove while her mother was outside feeding the chickens. Then she was leaning over my shoulder as I watched the presidential election results on the computer. She was asking what the numbers meant and how to decipher the percentages. My heart pounded with excitement as she showed inquisitiveness, curiosity, a desire to learn. I felt my eyes watering and a silent voice shouting ‘that’s my girl’.

You have to understand something about the culture here in El Refugio. Adults don’t question. Adults don’t change. (Notice there are no direct objects in the previous two statements.) What you see is, was, and will always be. Some authority made all the decisions a long time ago and only God can change any of it. As a teacher, as someone who as a child had challenged my elders, my teachers, and everything I could read demanding to know, to have explained, to dissect, I saw my educational task as one of stimulation, excitation, daring my students to push their intellectual constraints and expand their concepts of the world. It wasn’t an easy job in California. It was almost impossible here in El Salvador. Motivating children in a culture of dire hopelessness for anything different is extremely frustrating. But here was my daughter asking. Asking! Waiting for my responses and focused on them. One question led to another until I couldn’t contain my emotions and I just hugged her so tightly.

 

Coming of Age in El Refugio

Our son Luís turned twelve on January 30th. For the past few months I’ve noticed a deepening in his voice. He’s grown taller than his mother. When we go to church in our old neighborhood, he passes the hour outside on the street corner with much older boys and young men–listening rather than participating in their conversations. He’s been given hygiene instructions by his 6th grade teacher (along with his male classmates) regarding deodorant and body lotion use. He’s taken to taking a pre-school shower as well as another one after-lunch. (Schools here have morning and afternoon sessions to accommodate the high student-to-classroom ratio.) Our shower and toilet facilities are some 40 or 50 feet from the house proper with a garden in between. It’s ideal for privacy.

It’s been 66 years since my own puberty arose with that surprisingly wonderful yet frightening experience of wet dreams. Wonderful in enjoying my first inexplicable orgasms and frightening when I felt I had to conceal the strange sticky stuff that I encountered in my pajama bottoms. I didn’t want to know how my mother would react when she found it while doing the wash. From my earliest memories, shame was continually drummed into my conscience regarding bathroom functions being private and “doctor” was never to be played–especially with girls.

I grew up in a small rural community. How small was it? Our two-room school comfortably contained k-2 grades in one room and 3-5 in the other. Boys and girls never played together during recess or lunch. Physical education mandated mixing the genders in order to have enough players for team sports. Fifth grade was the first awareness my male contemporaries had of breasts. We referred to those curious buddings as tits. You never said “tits” in front of your mother. If you said it in front of a girl, she’d tell the teacher and you’d be in trouble–even if you didn’t know why. No one would explain this Victorian concept to you. We heard the word f**k from older boys but hadn’t a clue as to what it meant. It was just another “cool” word. Until my father bought a brand new blue serge suit and put it on for us to see. My mom and sister must have has some nice complements for him. They asked 9 or 10-year old me what I thought. With a big smile on my face I eagerly replied, “You look like a f**k!” Again, no one explained why I received a smack on the face for what I thought was a statement of great approval. I was questioned as to where I learned that word and replied that all the boys use it on the playground. While the sting on my cheek was fading I was told never to use it again. That’s where I was during my early grammar school years.

Sex was a secret kept from children. No one ever answered honestly the question, “Where did I come from?” Boys and girls went shirtless during the summer and we didn’t know there was any difference beneath our underpants. Truly an age of innocence! There were moments of curiosity. I once saw Ruthie Dotson squat to pee in the middle of School Street. We were aware that girls wouldn’t join us in swimming from time to time giving a vague or incomprehensible explanation for their non-participation. Then Alvin Petty introduced us to the “f**k book”. Alvin must have been 18 or 19. He’d come to the playground and talk to us little kids. Then he’d break out a small cartoon book and share it with us. The popularity of Disney characters increased as we watched Donald and Daisy Duck getting it on and read those forbidden words describing the action and the organs used.

In our early and mid-teens, while hanging out at night by the highway to watch the latest cars go by and offer our comments to one another along with wishes to be old enough to drive, Alvin Petty would park across the road in a darkened parking lot with Priscilla Frary, a young lady of questionable repute. One night we dared cross the highway to see what they were doing. They were in the back seat, Alvin on top of Priscilla. We couldn’t see much in the dark but it was our first vicarious experience in live pornography. By then none of us had ever seen a girl our age nude. I wasn’t exactly sure why I would get an erection walking down the hall of our middle school. I would try to walk in a way that my pants front wouldn’t bulge, maybe hold my books in front of it while changing classes, or wear long shirts not tucked in. In those days I’m sure we all masturbated and wondered what it would be like with a girl other than Mary Palm and her five daughters.

Back to son Luís and the source of this essay. I normally use a lap top on my desk. But we also have a personal computer that my kids use for research, games, and watching Shakira videos. I use it to read free books a few chapters at a time when I’m in the mood for adventure in the old west. Yesterday I opened the P.C. to Favorites. I clicked History to find the last page I had read on Monday. In the list of pages sought I found porn sites. I remembered that on Monday morning the kids were in school, Margarita and I went shopping in Ahucahapán, and almost 21-year old son Juan was at home. In the afternoon we were all in the house and I would have noticed either Luís or his 9-year old sister Adriana watching porn on their computer to my right five feet away. Since I’m not happy with Margarita’s adult son sponging off my pension and straining my good will with Salvadoran culture’s concept of family, I called my dear wife and showed her about eight porn site addresses on the calendar. I explained my theory and told her I would have to put the computer under a password. I mean, here’s a young adult who works sporadically, can’t keep a girlfriend because he can’t support one, and must have urges despite his social impotency.

Mother had to defend her older son and inquired of Luís if he had knowledge of any of this. With a little prodding and the realization that he was trapped, he offered that one of the older boys he hangs out with on the above mentioned street corner had taken him to the cyber café and introduced him to porn. He either wrote down the addresses of their favorite sites or he learned how to Google “pornogrofía“. I checked the calendar further back and found that he had been enjoying the video delights for at least the past three weeks.

I am a stranger in a strange land. I have often mentioned in these blogs how cultural differences go much further than language, music, and food. I have also criticized what I call a lack of logical reasoning among the locals and attributed their way of thinking to some primeval cultural adaptation that has carried forth like a human appendix, omnipresent but useless. Gender-specific body parts and natural functions do not have the same moral and emotional attributes as they do in U.S. culture. There are not code words for urination, defecation, genitalia, and sexual practices to keep children from using “dirty” words or learning too much too soon. Here, soon enough is when the organism becomes aware of a change in himself or herself and has the capacity to act upon it. Hence, coming of age is not determined by a religious rite or a legislative act. It is determined by nature itself. This concept is diametrically opposed to my own upbringing and has led to frustrations, neuroses, and legal problems among my  elders, contemporaries, and youngers.

Upon gaining all this information about Luís’ discovery of sexual intrigue, I added it to such changed behaviors as taking more and longer showers or time in the bathroom, a desire to stay at home when the rest of us go out, and an increasing pattern of extra time in bed. The North American dad in me said something needed to be done. But what? And why? Was he doing anything different from what I would have done had the technology been available to me at his age? Did I not discover a book in my parents’ chifferobe with drawings and prints of naked adult male and female and more than once review them with fascination? But then I considered the prevailing culture. Once again there was a stark conflict between the teachings (or lack thereof) of my youth and those of my Salvadoran son. Further, I recalled visiting a family in Mexico and arriving a bit early. The mother was in bed with her boyfriend and the youngest daughter, about nine, was next to her mom. That struck me as horrendous. I doubted that the child was unaware of their coital activities or what they represented. In time I learned that I was correct in my assessment of the situation and that it was normal, not taboo, not something not to be talked about.

American me put a password on the P.C. so that only I can open it. It will be available to Adriana upon request for whatever purpose. Luís may use it for study purposes for three weeks but not to play games or watch Shakira videos. Salvadoran me won’t bring the subject up again to our son. As usual, Margarita handled it well and according to her culture by pointing out that porn is immoral and can lead to unfortunate consequences. That’s good enough for me. But in the past few weeks we have bought pecheras, training bras, for Adriana who is budding and insisted that she wears more than her bikini panties in the house. I guess I’ve become somewhat of a prude in my old age. I’m certainly going to try to protect my daughter from any misadventures while she’s under my roof and still my responsibility. I hope Luís will grow up respecting his sister and all girls as well. Womanizing is unfortunately part of this culture. I can’t change that but maybe I can help our son to respect women and respect himself.

I Hate Interruptions

First nine paragraphs Nov. 27, 2004, finished Jan. 18, 2014

Maybe it’s just me! So much is, but I hate interruptions. It seems as if I’ve always hated interruptions. I don’t just get miffed or annoyed or angry at interruptions. It’s more than the normal “I don’t like interruptions”. I hate interruptions!

Perhaps it started when I was a little boy and my mother called me from my fantasy world of war or construction projects or trains to eat, take a bath, or go to bed. I’m not sure, but I’m sure those interruptions were the seeds being sowed. I had no options as a child to determine my agenda. My mother did that for me for eighteen years and might still be doing it subliminally.

I’m a person who generally focuses on what he is doing and, for most activities, I dont care to stop until I=m done. That is not to say that I can’t multitask. I can handle two or more related, even unrelated chores and see them all to completion before I’ll stop for any kind of break. Compulsive? Yes.

I remember such adages as “What’s worth doing is worth doing well.” There is a Puritan ethic that has somehow crept into my behavior. Could it be something genetic I’ve inherited from my New England forebears?

In school I hated homework. In mathematics I saw no purpose for the repetition of effort once I had demonstrated proficiency in a skill. Once I knew nine times six was fifty-four it wasn’t going to change, was it? Once I read a fact I never lost it. I have held on to the trivial and the significant with equal tenacity until my late sixties when a marine layer began to settle in my brain. I almost always completed my homework despite the unsavory aftertaste. Could it have been out of fear of my mother’s wrath if I did not finish it? Hmm!

My analysis continues into my adulthood, although many might question how adult I was post twenty-one. In marriage and fatherhood I hated to be interrupted. Short of a life-and-death emergency, and perhaps even then, a conversation being initiated while I was reading the paper, engrossed in a T.V. plot, or studying the family finances would set me off.  I found that I was always busy, always engaged in something important, always insisting that I would attend to others’ needs and wants “when I am done”.

Now in my penultimate years, I realize that the “work” is never done. It will never get caught up. Life is a paradox. The more I do, the further I am from my goal. It is an exercise in conflicting ideologies, the Protestant work ethic versus the pleasure principle. If I allow interruption, even embrace it, I’ll never get done. And if I keep plodding at my self-delegated assignments, I’ll never get done.

Still, I hate the telephone. It never rings when I’m doing nothing. I’m never doing nothing.  Fortunately, I’ve dug myself into a place where no one calls me to ask about my day.  “My day was going well until you called me and took me away from Jeopardy!” I want to say.  But I’m as civil as I get. Small talk was never my forté. It’s like homework. You do it because someone corners you into doing it. I’d rather listen to the general flow of conversation in a group than to be engaged one-on-one. Someone engaging me is…an interruption.

If I go to the ball game, I want to watch the plays. I don’t want to talk much about it unless some novice needs an explanation. Even that’s an interruption because then I have to try to catch up on the action. What did I miss? Couldn’t that question have waited until they changed sides or had a time out?

Now, in 2014, I’m in a totally different environment. I live in semi-rural El Salvador. I’ve remarried for the last time. We’ve got two kids. The culture has so many differences. They are used to commenting while watching television. It might be during the news but it’s just as likely to occur during a movie, drama, or game show. It drives me batty for two reasons. The first is because I consider it rude to talk when someone else, in this case the actors or contestants, is talking. No, they won’t be offended. They’re on film, tape, or in a studio far from here. The second has to do with my level of understanding of Spanish and my need to fully focus on the source of the spoken or sung words. I won’t improve if I don’t “get” what either the TV or my wife is saying. But I’ve learned to hold my peace. It’s different here.

At 78 and in retirement I’ve been able to critically examine some of the patterns in my life. There is a contrast between my need to work on one task until its completion and my wife’s contentment to start one thing, leave it, and go on to do the same with two or three unfinished tasks and their residue scattered about the house and their utensils likewise. But not living “a place for everything and everything in its place” is another topic. Yes, I am not unlike Sheldon on “The Big Bang Theory”.

I’ve also learned that when I’m writing and trying to synchronize my fingers with the speed of my thoughts, I do stop in the middle of a sentence when my daughter wants to show me something on her cell phone or her latest bit of hair styling on one of her dolls. Margarita has learned to sneak up quietly and pause just off my shoulder to wait for my acknowledgement. That scares me about me. I may be the Kountry King but I have no royal status. I just have to hope I’ll remember what I was going to write.

I am accorded some deference, however, by family members in certain instances. I don’t have to respond to vendors, solicitors, church ladies, lost souls, or little kids who come to the door calling or knocking. I can also expect first dibs on the separate-from-the-house bathroom in the morning without fear of interruption. And if I get there having forgotten the key, Margarita will run out back to unlock it for me.

The children have somehow learned not to interrupt mami and papi when they’re in bed. Although they’re used to having dialogue with their mother when she’s showering or using the john, they know when I’m eating, sleeping, or toileting it’s private time according to my culture and barring a real emergency I want to enjoy the peace and quiet I’ve delight in.

All in all, it’s getting better for me and those around me. Now if only I could silence the several super trucks that warm up their Diesel engines at 4:30 a.m., the bike-riding bread vendors who honk their infernal bulb horns from 5:30 on at too close intervals, and the guy who hawks quesadillas and tamales Saturday and Sunday mornings at 7:00. If I could sleep in the early morning I wouldn’t have any quarrels with the churches that start blasting electronic band music from one direction while some shrill-voiced angel of mercilessness squawks atonally over a loud-speaker from the other from 8:00 p.m. ‘til 10:00 or midnight or 2:00 a.m. I love my sleep time. I hate interruptions.

The dreaded bread vendor's bulb horn.

The dreaded bread vendor’s bulb horn.

 

Great Moments in History…O.K., My Personal History

  1. My first indoor shower
  2. Holding my first child, Dixie
  3. Delivering daughter Lorene at home
  4. Delivering son Josh at the hospital
  5. Delivering son Ari at the hospital
  6. Graduating from Rutgers University
  7. Being accepted to Fordham Graduate School of Psychology
  8. Getting my Master’s Degree in Special Education at California Lutheran University
  9. Meeting Gil Hodges
  10. Meeting Dolly Parton
  11. Meeting Chet Atkins
  12. Walking on the stage of the Grand Ole Opry
  13. Meeting and befriending Wanda Jackson
  14. Cutting my first record
  15. Forming a band, the Kountry Kings
  16. Yodeling with Rosalie Allen
  17. Becoming a teacher in California
  18. Winning money and prizes on “Wheel of Fortune”, “Jeopardy!”, and “Win Ben Stein’s Money”
  19. Completing two L.A. Marathons
  20. My first mission trip to Nicaragua
  21. Teaching in El Salvador
  22. Moving to El Salvador
  23. Marrying Margarita
  24. Adopting our daughter Adriana

Happy Birthday to Me!

Roger William Brown 1939

Roger William Brown 1939

I’ll turn 78 tomorrow. Today I rode my bike 40 miles in 4 hours and 40 minutes. I stopped for about 10 minutes at 33 miles to eat a bag of honey-roasted peanuts and drink a can of pear nectar. When I got home I took a walk to the park to stretch my legs and back muscles. Two hours later I feel fantastic.

I’ll have had six birthdays since moving to El Salvador and can’t remember receiving one gift. It’s been a while since I received an E-greeting from the only one of my seven natural or adopted kids I’ve been in touch with, so I won’t be surprised if I don’t get one tomorrow. My wife, Margarita, told me she was going to kill the fattest hen to make me something special for lunch, our “big” meal here. I’m sure that if I want a birthday cake I’ll have to take the microbus to Chalchuapa and buy one at the super market. I really don’t care for the cakes they bake here. The icing is too gooey and the cake is tasteless. I’ve been superbly avoiding fattening foods since I had my kidney stones in April and lost more than 20 lbs.

At my age one day is the same as the next. Margarita never wants anything for her birthday or our anniversaries. (Our civil marriage was May 7th and our church wedding was Nov. 14th.) The kids get new things all year ’round but I always buy cake for their birthdays…and Margarita’s. Christmas day is nothing special in El Salvador. Easter has no colored egg hunts. Halloween has almost no existence here. But we have so many fiestas so that makes up for the “real” holidays. Perhaps it’s because we’re such a poor country that gift-giving isn’t a big deal. Rather to have beans and tortillas on the table than to sweat a gift for each of your extended family members. I can live with that but it does seem different.

On January 23, my current Residency ID Card expires. I should have my naturalization documents and a National ID Card by then. I will consider citizenship as my birthday gift. Another gift will be Margarita’s decision to begin attending church with me in El Refugio rather than the church in Chalchuapa that we began attending when our original church here was corrupted, our pastor was fired by a congregation padded with extended family members of the coup d’eglise leaders. When a core of ex-members formed a new church I immediately joined them. The Chalchuapa church has a good program for our kids and we don’t, so I was OK with Margarita’s decision to stay there. But I continually prayed that she’d rejoin us here in El Refugio. God does answer prayers.

So how will I spend January 10th? About all I have on my agenda is to work on our son Luís’ flat tire. Maybe, just maybe, Margarita will find some way to get us to Chalchuapa to buy a cake. Or maybe not. No matter. In celebrating birthdays, like everything else, it’s different here.

Roger William Brown

Roger William Brown 2014

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 22 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Writing: A Lifetime Practice

I am a writer.  The New York Times has never rewarded me with a place on its list of best sellers. I’ve never earned a penny for my efforts. The truth is I’ve never published a book of prose or poetry. The lyrics of my songs have gone unsung for the past thirty-five years. But I’m a writer.

The earliest work that I can recall is a 1945 letter to Admiral Karl Doenitz who inherited leadership of the Third Reich upon Hitler’s death. I believe it asked him to end the hostilities and surrender. I was nine years old. My mother had the letter published in the Daily Home News. I’ve written many letters commenting on political and social issues that have been seen in that newspaper.

I have written (or at least created) poetry from childhood. Rhyme and rhythm have come easy to me. I probably began with nasty poems about other kids before graduating to teen-mentality love songs for my fille du jour. As a professional musician I took to writing more sophisticated lyrics often with a sarcastic tone. It was my youthful nature to spit in life’s eye whenever life spit in mine.

It wasn’t until my second tour of Rutgers University that I finally matured enough to take studies seriously. In my English and American literature classes I came to understand and appreciate what made for good writing. My commentaries and exams impressed my professors to earn myself top grades and, more importantly, praise and encouragement.

Five years in a California prison not only gave me time and opportunity to write but I was also provided with a renowned poet as a writing instructor. This gentleman visited us once a week and gave us “homework” assignments. He would write comments on our yellow legal-sized lined papers that were extremely helpful. I should call 1990-1995 my gray period. (I love Picasso.) It was during this time that I was most productive in writing essays, stories, letters, and poems. I even experimented in poetry in Spanish. I still have several manila folders filled with original manuscripts and notes.

But that was so long ago. Now, at 77 and living in El Salvador, I still enjoy writing but so much of it seems to be for myself. I write Email to family and friends. I post comments on Facebook. I share blogs and news items upon which I add a line or two of my own thoughts. And I write occasionally on one of my three Word Press blogs. My age and being away from English speakers have somewhat dimmed my memory of what makes good writing. I would like to write about what I see every day on the streets of my town, El Refugio, or of the people, sights, and activities I encounter on my long bike rides to and around Chalchuapa. By the time I’m ready to sit down and write, I can’t remember what stimuli moved me during my travel.

There is so much color, movement, and emotion here. I want to be able to convey to whomever should read my narratives as close a copy of what I experience as possible. I want the reader to be standing on my rear axles with hands on my shoulders and peering ahead, to the left, and to the right with me. I want my passenger to be sharing the sights and sounds of a world so different from the one I left behind in the U.S. but in many ways similar to the old American world I, and hopefully we,  grew up in.

Mornings in the Kountry King Kastle are generally quiet. Our two kids are in school and Margarita is busy doing the chores that Salvadoran women do. The ones that women of my mother’s generation used to do. The near perfect quiet is periodically broken by the chorus of roosters communicating over red brick walls, the Harpo honking of the bread vendors on their bicycles, the roar of diesel engines from large trucks bearing bags of cement or tarp-covered sand, or the prattle of bolos, the local drunks who sing romantic songs to imaginary women or argue politics to themselves. It’s quite conducive to creating. I really must jump over to El Salvador del KountryKing at http://kountrykinges.wordpress.com and write.